I’m wounded and can’t get my bra off.

Standard

Anyone tired of pain and angst and wimmen’s stuff can go home right now. But I can’t get off this bus and writing’s a distraction, so I’m gonna stay right here and bore y’all to death.

I’ve taken the muscle relaxers (the ones that cause 6 hour crying jags). And the lorazepam (goody, now I get to wake up feeling like the world’s going to end). I’ve got one NSAID pain patch plastered to my front, another to my back, and my husband nearly broke his thumb trying to push the muscle spasm or rib or whatever it is that hurts like hell back to where it came from.

Ain't it cute? Don't it look nice and soft and squishy? Nawp. They lie. And where's the stud-finder, dammit?

Ain’t it cute? Don’t it look nice and soft and squishy? Nawp. They lie. And where’s the stud-finder, dammit?

So I lie on the “Miracle Ball” for the requisite minutes and then do it again out of sheer desperation. Now I’m sitting against a yogic torture device called a Spoonk that’s advertised as the Western answer to acupuncture. All this because I’ve got what feel like armadillo plates riding against my ribs and the suckers are pulling my back out of joint.

And I still don’t have to do chemo. Yay! That heads up my gratitude list every day of the week. But tonight I’m doing my best imitation of British whinging, just for fun.

Actually, the anatomic explanation above isn’t quite right. I quizzed my plastic surgeon about exactly where these tissue expanders live and learned they aren’t just lying quietly on top of my ribs “under the muscle,” as I so casually assumed. During surgery the pectorals are actually butterflied lengthwise, their points of insertion left intact, and the expanders jimmied between the layers like stuffing in mock duck.

All’s quiet for awhile (or else surgical pain overrides awareness of anything else), but a couple weeks later, when they whip out the stud-finder to start filling the expanders (see previous post), the muscles stretch and spasm. And in my case have pretty much never stopped. I wake in the morning with the equivalent of tennis balls stuck under my skin. That’s if I slept at all overnight. I don’t remember having any dreams at all during these last two months. Once things quiet down I should have quite the cinema line-up for REM sleep.

So maybe the surgeon’s right and I have what he calls “reactive” pectorals (he is a pretty smart guy). You mess with them, they kick back. Like the frogs’ legs my mother once made me watch her cook. I see this fairly often during cesarean section; we’re not anywhere near the pecs, but similar slabs of muscle in the abdomen can do the same thing. It’s usually handling the peritoneal membrane underneath them that causes spasm and vomiting even with adequate anesthesia, but in some folks “just” pulling apart the abdominal muscles produces the same effect.

Trouble is, these suckers are STRONG. There is no denying a pissed off pectoral. Because of where they are, they pull on the ribs and yank those circumferential items slightly off-kilter, causing spasm in other, unforeseen areas. Which has been my problem lately.

This is more like it. The deflated inflater. More like what I just got at Petco--a dog toy with "squeakless technology." Yep, that's what this thing is.

This is more like it. The deflated inflater. More like what I just got at Petco–a dog toy with “squeakless technology.” Yep, that’s what this thing is.

My husband was horrified to find thumb-shaped bruises where he’d been pressing on my back. I assured him I’d not complain to authorities, as this was likely due to my using twice the recommended number of non-steroidal patches (along with a handful of naproxen, if truth be told). This all messes with blood clotting abilities. Whereupon he’s horrified I exceeded the recommended dosage. Whereupon I’m amazed that we’ve been married lo these 23 years and my MO still surprises him.

Now something I forgot to mention is the saving grace of having a physical therapist who really knows her wimmin’s business. Also high on the gratitude list. Every whining complaint I’ve thrown at her has been no surprise. She’s heard it all before. Thank heavens.

Thank heavens I’m not the only one who feels these plastic things getting hot against my chest wall. That the saline ports are hard, and hurt. That tissue I’m told has been denervated may be numb-ish to the touch on the outside, but has plenty of sensation pushing through from the inside.

But hey, Dr. Susan Love says says most women don’t even finish their pain meds. Must be true, right? She’s written a fat book about everything breast. If Marcus Welby, Dr. Quinn, and Hawkeye Pierce joined her for a focus group and came to the same conclusion, well, maybe I’d suspend disbelief. We’ll just not consult Dr. House.

Thank heavens the therapist knew to insist I request a reduction in the bigness of these things before I had more trouble with an already compromised right hand (that would be from the heartbreak of thoracic outlet syndrome, which is a wastebasket diagnosis and doesn’t really exist, as we all know). As soon as they let a little–a measly 2 ounces–of fluid out of the right breast my hand stopped its neurogenic tingling, my breasts regained just the eensiest bit of squishiness, and I felt like a new person. This is what I’m told will happen when the expanders are exchanged for “real” implants. We’ll stick with the smaller size, thanks very much.

But now the pecs have caught on and decided to take up the slack. Hence the new muscle spasms and this new-ish rant of mine. Bear with me and I’ll apologize (again) next I see you.

What follows is something not for the faint of heart: placement of the expander within the muscle.

I really don’t want to freak anyone out, but can’t seem to post the link without opening the graphics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABopJxgP8S0

3 responses »

  1. What a brutal freakin’ journey you are on, Kay. Unbelievable. For anyone who doesn’t understand the real life machinations of dealing with breast cancer, you are telling the story in your inimitably candid, sometimes humorous and always very human way. I appreciate them all. You are a stoic one, that’s for sure!

  2. Oh, you do my heart good, Lorraine. Stoic, I don’t know about that, at all. Brutal, I’m not sure. Bad in the beginning, but ok in the middle (“jelly roll, jell roll.”– I’m always irritating my husband by having a song for everything).

    • Had to stop in the middle of this reply because I can’t make my Magic Mouse (I’m a Mac-o-phile) work, even with new battries. Now thinking it’s my keyboard that’s sticking. Better get that fixed, If I’m going to continue writing.

      Oh poor me.

      The complaining really helps, though.

      Thanks for helping make it OK to do, friend.

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