I can’t stop looking at them. Or touching them. I’d best not go out in public right now for fear of getting arrested for indecent something or other. I can’t believe the difference between my new “real” breasts and the tissue expanders. They’re absolutely beautiful. Even with the bruising. And the surgical tape. And the drains. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. N.
One of his lovely nurses told me they don’t want the implants moving around much just yet, so I have to use this gawdawful mastectomy bra for a couple of weeks. It looks like a girdle. From the 1940s. For breasts.
“Mastectomy Foundation Garment,” or: The Bra From Hell
Well, I negotiated that down to an ace wrap. Much better. Until I noticed it was flattening things out. Back to the mastectomy bra, this time with some spouse assisted modifications–ribbons that tie in the front to keep the velcro from hell closed and off my hypersensitive skin.
And at night? I can sleep on my sides. Well, not just yet. The instructions say a 30° rise should be maintained for awhile, so I’ve got a bed wedge. But I’ve rolled to my sides a few times to test things out. Instead of looking down to see two tangerines poking out from the front of me (separated by a good two inches), I’ve got breasts squishy enough to meet in the middle.
Touch them (which just about everybody in my all-female office has done), and they’re soft. They feel real. They’re actual breasts (or quite the facsimile thereof). Halleluja!.
At least that’s how I feel right now. Hope it lasts.
I’ll letcha know.
So I went to the doctor to pick out new breasts. At least I hope they’ll be breasts. Or like breasts. Breast-like will do in a pinch. The things my chest has been hosting are definitely not. And I’ve found some other blogs where women are talking frankly about their breast building “process” (note how I avoid the word “journey”). Damn, they’re brave. I’m just worried. Really, really worried. Some journeys take a lifetime.
Surgery is on 9/11. Anybody got a glass-half-full line for that one?
Ok, beat you to it. I still don’t have to do chemo. This is a very good thing.
So from the get-go I knew saline implants were out of the question. I’ve examined enough women who had those placed during the 90’s moratorium on silicone to know you CAN hear them slosh. And thank G-d silicone is supposed to be lighter, as these saline tissue expanders are heavier than I could have imagined. I’ve lost weight just lugging them around. I even chickened out and had them reduced.
What a world. They’ve got “gummy bear” implants now. Feel like candy, look like pears, but are textured like expanders and scare the heck out of me because they’ve got to be bigger than those are to prevent flippage. You know, that embarrassing condition when your breast turns upside down at dinner. Maybe while serving the spaghetti.
So, I’m gonna go with the old tried & true, half-round, slick model. These are meant to slip and slide and smoosh. Kinda like breasts. As a friend said, “my mind breathes a sigh of relief at the soft ones settling into the space that’s already there. Like real breasts after menopause.”
There is sense in that. It resonates. I can do resonate. I just can’t do journey. At least not the whole thing. At least not right now.
One of the more irritating features of this breast-building business is the tissue expander stage. Folks who have augmentation without mastectomy will have smaller implants placed either behind the existing breast tissue (fat & glands we associate with breast shape), or behind both breast tissue and pectorals (the large chest muscles so popularized by Jack LaLane). It’s a choice they make with the help of their plastic surgeon.
Folks like me, who have breast and underarm tissue removed in any of the various mastectomy surgeries, have a couple of reasons for needing to go the tissue expander route. If their own skin is spared, there’s no support for the implant within that empty pocket, so space must be created behind the pectorals to both support and hold it in place. It needs to be a larger space, for a larger implant, as there’s no more breast tissue to help shape it. Those who have a complete mastectomy that includes removal of skin and nipple will also need tissue expanders to stretch not only muscle, but the overlying skin as well.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: this is NOT a comfortable process. Aside from the requisite stretching and burning, I have this sense of something foreign–something large and foreign–strapped to my chest wall. All the time. It’s uncannily like wearing a too-tight bra every waking moment. And every other one, too. I’m constantly reaching up to tug on the elastic, pull at the underwire, or actually unhook the back. But nothing’s there.
Oh boo hoo. There are waaay worse things that could be happening right now.
But it is really strange. It’s exactly the sort of deja vu experience I’ve had ever since my parents died. Where I think before my brain stops itself: “Dad’s gotta see this…” or “let me just call Mom…”
I suppose in addition to grooves in my brain that track to the Mom and Dad thoughts, I’ve got another groove that tracks to the “gotta get this bra off” thought. And not just the thought, but the actual motor impulse that has me reaching up to find the thing. They’re the kind of impulse pathways that plague amputees with phantom sensations they’d swear were coming from the missing limb. Or the missing breast.
So if I’d gone with my health ed teacher’s advice and worn better fitting bras all my life–bras that didn’t create the need to reach up and yank down–would I still be doing this? Maybe some PhD-type will do a study. And give us a new ICD-9 code: phantom bra pain. I want my name on it.